An unapologetically overly sentimental wax on my work

The bandroom is quiet now. We just finished our first game of the year. There were some problems. There are things to worry about Monday. But here, in this silence- I'm so happy.

Tonight had so many of my favorite things. I wanted to make sure they were captured here.

I work with great, talented young people. I get to watch them grow up, and in marching band, I get to see the biggest changes.

I see freshmen on their first performances. They are struggling just to fit in and find the right notes. This is the first time a lot of them have performed a piece by memory for the general public. They are green. They are new. They're still kids.

In the same group are these other grown ups. Well, not quite. But the older kids set the tone. I love having them make this group important. It always floors me watching them lead. Selfishly, I watch them thinking how they reflect the best part of me. They grow into great people. And I love them for it.

Tonight, I had former students come back and watch the band. They came and said hello to their friends still in school. Some gave me hugs. All of them made me feel like a proud papa. I was so glad to watch them and am glad to have known them. Selfishly, I hope to be part of their great stories or part of what they today remember about high school.

Even on the toughest days of this job, I feel so blessed. I'm working my passion. Nothing wrong with that. I count myself in a lucky class. I graduated to be in school for the rest of my life and it has made my life feel full.

Definition Self- 10 years later

I'm now 38.   Things are definitely different.  I am different.

At 38, I would say that the thing that currently defines me most is that I'm a dad.   I'm somebody's father, and it is glorious.   My son is 6 and 11/12s this month.   That's what he would tell you, and I love that he is that exact.  I love that he is a quick learner.  I love that he is enthralled with the world of Nintendo.  I love that he loves to play with my tablet and my phone.   I love that I have to limit his activities and amount of time with them.  I love that he loves to sing.   Currently, we are learning the Presidents of the United States in order using a song. 

I have become someone scarred by the loss of my father.   Over the last four years, I watched my dad valiantly battle cancer.   I was lucky enough to hear from him multiple times that he was proud of me and that he loved me.   I watched him battle for every day of his life versus a disease that would constantly rob him of things that he loved.   Each time I came home to him, I felt like cancer took something new.   It pulled him away from the driver's seat of a car, then it pulled him off the golf course, then it put him in a wheel chair, then it kept him in a bed, and then it took his life.   At the end of this life, I was there with my mother and my sister at his bedside as he passed.   His death still hurts me now.  I can't talk about it out loud without tears.   Apparently, I can't type about it either.   What was beautiful- was that I always felt like it never robbed him all the way of his smile.   Of his joy of simple things.   Of his ability to love his family.   Even as he fought for his life, my dad taught me so much and made me so proud.   His primary concerns always felt like they were for us and what he would be leaving behind.   As much as his death hurt me, it managed to do a wonderful thing in how much it has made me able to make problems small and how it has made me love people and my time more.   It has been 14 months since his death- but him not being here still makes me feel so sad.

I am also someone scarred by the loss of two people that I saw as my brothers.  You make this pact when you enter in a relationship.   As hard as you love someone, you are making deposits in how much not being with them is going to demolish you.   As much as they change you, as much as they allow you to be yourself, it truly is a loss when they are no longer there.   There's a real beauty in that pain.   I don't feel right putting their names here- but it has been truly a tough 14 months.

How would I define myself at 38?   I'm more grown up.   I'm now feeling the burden of time two ways.   I have family and close friends that have died.   I have a son that is growing up quickly.   I'm striving every day to live in the moment.   I'm taking photos so that in the silence- I can live in the past.   I still love making and listening to great music.   I feel like I value true silence more.   Every day, I still am grateful.   I'm very lucky.  I grew up with the best dad.  I still have the best mom, sister, and in-laws.   I married the right girl- who has helped me build an amazing life.   We have a son who takes everything great in my life to an 11.   We cheer on the Mets together.   We are learning together.  I love him for all of the little moments he makes special for me- waking up, going to school, picking up from school, going to Casey's, practicing piano, playing games, singing songs, and being silly.   I have friends in my life that I love.   My family gets bigger every day- with new students, new alumni who turn to friends, and new friendships.   So- I guess at my core- I've grown up-  I've changed- but I still wake up every day grateful.